on self-doubt.

Mr. Arable smiled, “Certainly not,” he said, looking down at his daughter with love.  “But this is different.  A little girl is one thing, a little runty pig is another.” I wondered how many child vegetarians are born from E.B. White’s classic. Furthermore, why was a young girl the only person fighting for poor Wilbur?  Wait, was E.B. White a closet vegetarian?

Taking attendance, I picked at the last bite of my grilled ham and cheese.  Lesson ready, questions prepped, chapter books looking crispy.  Interactive anchor chart hot and ready and we were almost ready to plunge into the heart wrenching story of friendship and sacrifice with Fern Arable and her talking animal friends.  

Four minutes in, and before I could even show off my best Wilbur voice, pretty much everything possible went wrong.  Pig and cow noises, two students rolling under the table, one student reading Goosebumps (I was pleased he was reading, but still), one burying her face inside of her shirt, “Wait, what page are we on?” yelped someone from the back. Whispers under breaths.    Blank anchor chart.  Blank notebook pages.  “I’ll wait.” I repeated seventeen times to the sea of non-academic energy.   Am I the substitute?

Nope.  Subs don’t get surprise observations.  “Oh, hey,” I greeted the lady with the laptop.  Turning my back, I scowled at the kid using my overpriced Expo markers to tattoo a green heart on her wrist.  “Stop...now, ” I mouthed before gazing back over my shoulder to flash a smile at my principal.  Can’t wait to debrief on this one, I thought.  Couldn’t my kids at least pull it together for my observation?  It doesn’t matter, I suck.  

The rest of that day went something like this: 1. Skip lunch from stress.  2. Google Starbucks barista insurance benefits.  3. Bouts of self-doubt.  4.  Avoid my principal at dismissal.  5. More self-doubt.  6. Tegan & Sara cd on my commute home. 7.  Drink a glass of Pinot.  8.  Hesitantly prep for tomorrow, knowing I suck.  

Why did I let one bad experience cancel out all of the positive?  Why did I allow my thoughts to spiral into a dark place of “I suck” and “what’s the point?”

Why do we take one episode of disaster and let it redefine who we are?  

Because teachers, by nature are hard on themselves. We are responsible for educating human beings, we allow ourselves no room for error.  

Really, though, you don’t suck.  I don’t suck.  We don’t suck.  Sometimes it just takes a second for the dust to settle and for us to realize that bad days happen.  Take responsibility, identify the triggers for the disaster.  Learn from it, move on.  

Tips for coping with self-doubt when the sh** hits the fan.   

1. Identify the causes and effects of what happened.  After that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I realized the chaos trigger was my tired seating chart.  A counterproductive seating chart that I should’ve changed weeks ago gave students too much temptation to mess around.  Of course, a combination of factors affected that shi** storm of a lesson, but one quick fix and the next day improved.  Taking responsibility for potential causes makes it much easier to reflect, set a goal and move on.  
2. Stop worrying about what other people think.  Feedback is important, but get out of your head.  Principals were teachers once, too.  Just because your coach recognizes there are areas for improvement, doesn’t mean that she thinks you’re awful.   
3. Stop comparing yourself to other teachers. People say you should never judge a marriage or relationship other than your own, because you never know what happens behind closed doors.  I think that’s true for classrooms, too.  Don’t assume that it’s all hunky dory everywhere else.  Just like romantic relationships, everyone struggles sometimes, people just don’t always talk about it.  
4. Ask yourself-is this a pattern? If yes, set a goal to improve.  If not, forget it and move on.   
5. Get it out of your system.  Write it, go for a run, talk it out.  Walk it out.  I’ve lost so much sleep over the coulda, woulda, shoulda, taking over my brain.  Release that negative energy someway, somehow.  

Just like with your students, it’s all about improving.  Identify the problem, set a goal, persevere, reflect and move on.  You are a teacher.  A teach-errr.  Ain’t nobody got time for self-doubt.  You are the boss of your classroom...the boss of your craft...the boss of your life.  So, go be a boss and recognize that you got this.