on crying at work.

The last time I cried in front my students is never.  The last time I cried at work was last year, Face Timing my daughter in a closet classroom, tied to a breastpump, a batch of ungraded papers and her sweet little “Mamas” chirping through the phone.  

The last time I cried about work was two days ago.  Call it passion, call it exhaustion, call it whatever, but sometimes education makes me cry.  I’m a pro at bottling it up for the comfort of my own car or couch, but it definitely happens.   

Monday turned out to be a garden-variety bad day, too many moments of teaching to thirty-two blank faces, mumbling mouths or eyes screaming, I just don’t care what you have to say, lady.  

This followed by my own self-doubt, self-pity and pit-of-my-stomach frustration led to a nasty little cocktail of...why am I a teacher?    

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, nobody is allowed to call me dramatic except myself, but yeah...maybe I was being a liiiittle dramatic.  C’mon though, unless you have the superpowers to turn on and off emotions, teaching cuts you down deep and builds you back up, faster than you can say Silent Lunch.   

Sustaining that pretty poker face at work takes practice, and teacher triggers are different for everyone.  Most of us agree, though, that we’re not holding back tears because a kid hurt our feelings.  We’re adults, and by this age, our skin is mighty thick enough to muster some snarky comment from a ten-year-old about our “stupid” lesson.   

When it comes to teacher tears of frustration, often times it boils down to either 1. Loss of control, or 2. The feeling that kids didn’t learn.   These two acknowledgments have offered me plenty of doses of sleepless nights and Indeed.com search sessions.  

Does it mean I don’t love teaching?  No.  But it does make me question why it has to be so damn hard?  Yes.  And why, after this many years in the game, is it still so damn hard?  

Clearly, I’m still searching for answers.  

Emotions of love, pain, triumph, failure and everything in between fill our classrooms daily, with the Goddess Of Education peering over us, whispering….they must learn, teacher, they must learn!

Self-proclaimed non-movie crier that I am, education makes me cry sometimes.  Never ever ever ever will I cry in front of students, but I will cry on a car ride home.  They may “just be kids,”  but they’re our kids.  And love makes you cry sometimes.

Power to the Teacher.